Hurt
by Cecilia Waters
Summary: Suzaku thinks about his sweetest friend Lelouch as he deals with the burden of being Zero. Post R2 finale. Reviews appreciated


**Hurt **

**Suzaku/Lelouch**

**T – for drug references, death**

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It is finished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Soooo…here I am writing another song fic *sighs* I have no shame. Anywho it's a Suzaku Lelouch fic too. Maybe I'll write a fic that's not about these two in the future but right now I'm just exploring their relationship.

Disclaimer: Code Geass belongs to CLAMP and the song lyrics are from "Hurt" sung by Johnny Cash *originally performed by NIN* listen to the song and watch the anime they are both awesome but sadly are not owned by me and sadly I get no money from this writing so there's really no reason for anyone to get angry is there?

IMPORTANT NOTE: In this fic I refer to Suzaku and Zero fairly interchangeably (they are supposed to be the same person after all). This is after Lelouch dies so it shouldn't be too confusing, I hope… and Suzaku is really angsty. Also _italics _are for people's thoughts. ^.^ enjoy!

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Hurt

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Suzaku thinks about his sweetest friend, Lelouch.

Suzaku stood staring into the coy pond in the entryway to Empress Nunnally's palace. He had been there for hours and as he turned his head sharply to the side he reprimanded himself for being such a fool, for thinking too much about the past, of things unchanging, and most of all for neglecting his duties to the Empress. He was the white knight he thought proudly only to sigh moments later _No _Suzaku thought _I am the white knight no longer. I am a force much more sinister, much more mysterious, I am nothing, Zero._ With that thought Suzaku adjusted his Zero helmet on his head making sure it was still secure. He stood up and headed towards the Empress' throne room as he heard his footsteps echo off the walls.

Suzaku had been thinking back to the days when Lelouch was still alive, was still his friend. He knew Lelouch would have wanted him to forget about that, he would have wanted Suzaku to be Zero and not think about his past.

_But I remember everything_

_What have I become _

_My sweetest friend _

Suzaku could not forget about his friend just as he could not fill his shoes properly. Suzaku knew he was a poor substitute for the force that Lelouch had been as Zero. It was easy for him now to pretend to be the famous terrorist that had freed Japan, had freed the world from the tyranny and pain that Britannia had caused but it had been so hard, so very hard, for Lelouch to defeat that empire by the sheer force of his will and his brilliant mind. The only thing Suzaku and Lelouch could now share was their loneliness. The loneliness Lelouch had imposed upon himself was one that Suzaku could only appreciate and fathom now, now that Lelouch had died and with him, the only person who knew Suzaku for who he really was.

_Everyone I know goes away _

_In the end _

When Suzaku thought about how he had contributed to Lelouch's solitude he hated himself that much more. The boy scarified everything, even his closest friends and sister, so that peace could be brought to the world. In return Suzaku, along with the rest of the world, hated Zero and called him an enemy. Yet Lelouch had only asked for mercy once when he kneeled at Suzaku's feet and begged the knight to save Nunnaly. Even then, Suzaku betrayed and isolated Lelouch, and Lelouch just let him, he simply took it, accepting it as part of the price he would have to pay to see the world he desired with all his being. _No_ Suzaku thought _I am nothing like him. I beg for mercy every day and every day I punish myself for it._ "I will hold your geass Lelouch. I will live on, for you and for the world for which you died." Suzaku said as his eyes teared. He hated being so weak but more than that he hated how he was failing Lelouch.

_I will let you down_

_I will make you hurt_

Earlier that day…

This morning Suzaku had put himself though rigorous training exercises. It was his custom to exercise in the morning so that he would be alert and ready to defend Nunnaly and Lelouch's new world. Recently though the other knights had noticed that Zero had been pushing himself relentlessly, mercilessly and they could not understand this new behavior that disturbed them. Finally after being punched particularly hard by his sparing partner Suzaku fell to the ground and coughed up blood.

_I hurt myself today_

_To see if I still feel _

_I focus on the pain_

_The only thing that's real _

His partner apologized profusely as he saw the blood seep through the helmet, explaining that he did not think he had hit Zero so hard. The man offered to help Zero to the infirmary but Suzaku just stood and shooed him away. Suzaku wiped the blood from his face with the dark sleeve of his uniform and swiftly left the gym. The other men in the gym looked at each other nervously but eventually resumed their trainings. As Suzaku walked down the corridor leading away from the training rooms he bit his lip until it bled. _Stupid, _he thought_. You'll never be able to complete your geass with Lelouch if you exhaust yourself. _"But still, it felt good to be reminded of my _mortality_" Suzaku stated, his voice thick with irony and regret. Live on Lelouch had ordered him, and so he would. He could not die but even still, he could feel the pain of life and Suzaku for one, had decided he would feel it. He would feel the pain that life held in store for a man such as himself, such as Zero. Suzaku would embrace the pain because it meant he was still alive, in some way. But Lelouch was not. HE was dead.

_The needle tears a hole _

_The old familiar sting _

_Try to kill it all away_

_But I remember everything_

Suzaku slammed his fist into one of the locker's in the gym's bathroom. Slowly, he let a vial of Refrain clatter to the ground. Tears filled Suzaku's eyes just as they did on the day he killed Emperor Lelouch. Tears filled with sadness, anger, but most of all tears filled with hatred for how weak Suzaku was. _Lelouch would never fall to using such methods to escape his troubles._ Suzaku thought, spiting himself. And Suzaku failed Lelouch one more time as slipped into memories of the days before he was Zero before either of them had to fight…

Suzaku took a deep breath, forcing himself to pull it together, to be Zero, for Lelouch. After he finished dressing in the locker room he went to the throne room and prepared for the work ahead. He prepared for assisting Nunnally and having to deal with the many appreciative fans who, even a year later, still praised his name as the murderer of the demon king Lelouch. To be thanked, day in and day out, for committing the murder of the man who had brought peace to the world was, Suzaku thought, one of the more unbearable aspects of his punishment.

_I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar's chair _

_Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair _

_What have I become my sweetest friend_ – I don't recognize myself Suzaku thought as he stood in front of the mirror, trying to relax after one more long long day of acting like he was Zero. Who is this man standing in front of me this traitor, this hero, I hate him! Suzaku thought even as he hated himself for implying that it could ever be right to hate what Lelouch once was.

_You could have it all my empire of dirt _

_I will let you down I will make you hurt _

"Take it back! Take it back!" Suzaku screamed at the top of his lungs; alone, and naked as he stood in his darkened room. "I don't want your Geass Lelouch…I can't…" Suzaku cried out as he fell to his knees before the mirror. Even with the fans, with lying to Nunnally, with being looked up to by his subordinates, the hardest part of the day was undoubtedly the time when Suzaku was alone, with no one but himself, a man he hardly even recognized after all this time of pretending to be someone else, of pretending to be someone he loved. Because the truth was Suzaku held nothing but hatred for himself, just as he always had, and no matter how hard he tried to be someone else, at the end of the day Suzaku was just…Suzaku. He was just a boy who betrayed those he cared for.

That's all I seem to be good for Suzaku thought as he remembered the day he had first betrayed Lelouch. When his friend had come to him for help when Lelouch believed he would help him he betrayed him, let him down, turned him in to Britannia. That's all I'm good for Suzaku thought.

_If I could start again _

_A million miles away _

_I would keep myself _

_I would find a way _

Oh Lelouch. Why did this peace have to come at your hands? Was a bloodless war impossible? Often Suzaku felt as though his method of changing the empire from within would succeed, in time. But Lelouch had been impatient, and he had succeeded, which made it hard for Suzaku to dismiss his friend's methods. If they were anything they were effective. But still, often Suzaku found himself wishing he could start this whole mess all over again. He wanted to find some way to bring peace without the death of Euphy, or Lelouch, or his own father. But Suzaku had learned, after countless such arguments within his head, that thinking of the if's lead no where. So with a heavy heart and puffy eyes Suzaku laid down in his bed, utterly exhausted, to escape for just awhile in his dreams. And just before he went to sleep Suzaku smiled as the voice of his friend filled his ears "Suzaku, carry on, carry on for me and for the world which I have longed for. As long as you protect it, I can be happy." As Suzaku heard Lelouch's words he found solace in the one place where Suzaku could be happy and loved, in his dreams of a time that could have been, a million miles away.

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Ok so that's the end. What do ya'll think? I'm thinking about making this one a two chapter story and in the second chapter I would use this song to portray Lelouch's side of the events of his death. Let me know what you think both about this story and the possibility of a related one. That means please REVIEW!!!!


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